Maybe it’s all of the high school people that have recently friended me on FB, but I’m feeling nostalgic, so here’s a funny memory.
You know how when you’re a teenager, you are always concerned with your body image? Well, it became clear to me early on that I was not going to be well-endowed. My boobs just sprouted a bit and then stopped. But what was more concerning to me was my butt. Yes, my butt. You see, when I was growing up it was all about the butt. Boys would try to touch your butt, they would talk about who had a big butt (this was a good thing)…the butt ruled! Alas, I had no butt (still don’t unless I’m 10 pounds overweight, but I digress). I am built just like my dad, straight up and down in the back. So nobody ever tried to grab my butt and my name never came up in the locker room. *sigh*
Well, I had an electric blue suede skirt that was so cute! I loved it, except for one thing. It made my butt look even flatter than it was. I loved the skirt, but I hated the way it fit me. I didn’t have the luxury of not wearing it, so my desperate 14 year old mind hatched a plan. Girls stuff their bras with toilet paper….I would stuff my butt. Obviously, I couldn’t use toilet paper. I thought about it for a long time and then it hit me….a pillow!! We had some small throw pillows on our sofa. I would stuff my butt with a pillow. I ran downsairs and grabbed a pillow. It had a weird shape, but I stuffed it inside my tights and that gave it more of the natural butt look. Now!!! My butt was saying something!!! Baby got back!! Woohoo!!! The only problem was….well, it was a little too plump. Wouldn’t the boys who were certified butt watchers notice that all of a sudden there was a new butt on the block? Would I get outed and if so, how would I ever live it down? I took the pillow out again and one look at that flat-as-a-board bottom made the risks well worth it.
I went to bed excited, but I woke up nervous. Would my plan work? I went for it. My parents didn’t notice before I left the house. My friends at the bus stop didn’t notice. This was good, it must not look too unnatural. I went to my locker before homeroom and one of my guy friends stopped to chat with me. As I walked away he whisteld and complimented my shapley buns with a “Dammmmmnnnnn….”. I was elated!!!! Then he reached out to try and cop a feel. Yikes!!! I scooted out of the way. Close call!
Well, my buddy was impressed, because everytime I saw him throughout the day he was talking to another guy and pointing to me. I started to get nervous because I was getting appreciative looks and catcalls all throughout the day. I just knew it was a matter of time before someone grabbed my butt and realized it felt like Charmin. I had gym during 7th period (we had 8 periods), so when I got dressed after gym, I left the pillow in my locker. Guess what! It had absolutely no effect on my rep. LOL!!! For the rest of the day and on the bus ride home, I was still the subject of attention for my ‘big’ butt!! In just one day I cemented myself a reputation for having a shapely bottom…even when I wasn’t stuffing anymore. It’s like the Emperor’s New Clothes effect. Enough people had labeled me ‘nice butt’, so it was so…even if people couldn’t see it. Hilarious!!! Gotta love high school!!!
And in honor of my nice booty…here’s a little Sir Mix-A-Lot. Enjoy!!!